Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
