The maid of honor just puked.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
