my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
