my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
