hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
