I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
