You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i now understand why vodka
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
