he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
