fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
