I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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