Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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