mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
