Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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