I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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