Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You have to summon your inner elephant
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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