If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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