Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
