after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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