you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
