i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Randomize
