A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
