alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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