Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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