i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
