Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My ATM looks so different sober.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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