I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
