Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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