between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
