if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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