Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
