you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
