I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
