My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
