hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
