i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm both gender and math confused
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
