I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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