I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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