i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
