My sheets look like a crime scene.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
