ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
