if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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