Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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