Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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