wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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