i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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