and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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