just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
