Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
