What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just pynch a tree in the face
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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