Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
